


What The Hell Does That Mean?  Safe.

by This_ape_writes



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Nothing graphic but implied sexual relationship, cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 18:48:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9002239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/This_ape_writes/pseuds/This_ape_writes
Summary: "No. Comeon. Stay. It's safe here I promise."
He says it with his cheek against the mattress as he waves his hand in the air to try and get my attention. I glance at him and see a tiny curl of a smile on his lips. His eyes are closed, and I can tell that he's no more than two or three deep breaths away from sleeping. 
 
I stop tying my shoe and turn to stare back out into the bedroom that's being lit with a sliver of light from the bathroom outside.
I frown. 
What the hell does that mean?  Safe.





	

"No. Comeon. Stay. It's safe here I promise."

He says it with his cheek against the mattress as he waves his hand in the air to try and get my attention. I glance at him and see a tiny curl of a smile on his lips. His eyes are closed, and I can tell that he's no more than two or three deep breaths away from sleeping. 

 

I stop tying my shoe and turn to stare back out into the bedroom that's being lit with a sliver of light from the bathroom outside.

I frown. 

What the hell does that mean? Safe.

I don't realize I've actually asked that out loud where other people can hear it too until he breathes in a deep breath behind me to wake himself back up and he rolls on to his side. He curls closer into my back and his fingers slide their way against one of my hips and his cheek finds his way to the other. 

"Well at its most basic I guess it means the roof ain't likely to cave in on ya and you have pretty low chance of being eaten by wolves. In a less physical sense I 'spose it means I ain't gonna yell at you or anything either so you're in a safe emotional place too I guess. But either way, if you do stay here your odds of making it til' morning still alive and happy are pretty damn high so...safe," he says with a shrug and a dramatic yawn that curls his tongue up and around back inside of his mouth. 

His breath is warm against my thigh as it escapes from his yawning lips, and even through my layer of jeans that is between us, it feels nice. 

Stay. 

It's safe. 

Safe. 

Yeah. Sure. 

What a fucked up thing to say to me. 

And I hope I didn't accidentally vocalize that thought to him too, because really he is just trying to be nice to me here. 

He doesn't deserve to hear that kind of thing to spite how true it might be. 

Instead I bend over to try and grab my other shoe by the ends of its laces where it lies flipped on its side and under his discarded jeans. I pull on it so I can drag it close enough to pick it up and I shake my head. 

"Whatever..." I say. 

Which isn't really an answer. Or a question. Or even relevant to anything I guess. But I felt like I needed to say something into the silence as I peel the tongue of my shoe back and pick at the laces so I can get it loose enough to pull onto my waiting foot. 

It shouldn't really surprise me when I feel him shifting behind me and with a tiny groan I feel him actually sit up. 

When his arms wrap around me and his jaw finds my shoulder all I can think is, well shit.

"Sorry kid," he murmurs. "I didn't mean to cause you some kinda existential crisis. I just...I just wanted to wake up with you still here with me tomorrow so I could maybe fix us breakfast is all." 

I nod and shrug the shoulder that is now supporting his head. 

"I know," I say. 

"Please stay," he asks again as his arms tighten in a quick squeeze around my sides. "I never ask you for anything. I just want this one teeny tiny little favor." He holds up his hand right in front of both of our faces so he can demonstrate with his finger and his thumb just how minuscule he thinks his request actually is. 

And dammit he's right. He doesn't ever ask me for anything. I'm always the one doing the asking. 

"Well shit." And this time I say that out loud just for his benefit. 

He chuckles at me and rolls his face into my neck and kisses just once.

"Stay," he murmurs again and I let out a long irritated groan as I roll my head back so I can stare at the ceiling above us. 

 

"Fine," I sigh, "but I want it noted for the record that using your selflessness in this relationship as a fucking pawn in this situation, is a low down, dirty ass, trick." 

"It's in the official record book," he says. He reaches in front of us again and takes my shoe out of my hand so he can drop it on the floor. "Take the other one off, ditch the damn uncomfortable jeans back on the floor where they belong and come'er," he demands. 

I sigh. 

I bend over and out of the hold his arms have engulfed me in, and untie my shoe and pull it off. It finds its way across the room and against the wall with a smack from my flinging it a bit too hard in mild irritation and he laughs. 

I sigh again and he scrambles out of my way as I flop straight back against the mattress with my now shoe empty feet still resting against the carpet. I unbutton my jeans and shimmy out of them and kick them away from me but I don't move from where I've landed laying sideways on the bed. 

"Nuh-uh," He scolds me as he grabs my arms and tugs. "I said come'er," he says and I groan and refuse to budge but damn he's got really good leverage at his angle and I find myself sliding on the bed without my help. I reluctantly let him pull me up as I finally crawl to the far side of the bed and lay down with zero finesse as I flop against my stomach with my cheek crushed into his pillow. 

I flinch a tiny bit and grimace at him when a kiss finds my right eyebrow, my left cheek, my left earlobe and finally my lips on his way to lie down too, but when he pulls me against him and wraps me back up against the soft warm skin of his chest, it makes it kinda hard for me stay that mad at him. 

"Thank you," he murmurs as his nose rests against the crown of my head and I grunt at him. 

"Whatever," I mutter with my face hidden into his collar bone. 

But he doesn't seem to mind that I'm still being grumpy. He pulls at his quilt that is bunched up at the end of the bed using nothing but his foot and somehow manages to wrangle it high enough so he can grab it with his hand without letting me go. 

He probably thinks that if he stops being in constant physical contact with me I'll find a way to bolt for the door and he's not exactly wrong with that theory, so I'm not going to argue with his tactics as he slings the quilt over both of us and settles back into the bed. 

He yells into the empty room to command the light in the bathroom off and it disappears with an audible click as we are engulfed in darkness. 

"Goodnight Jim," he whispers to me as he kisses my forehead and I nod but I don't answer or tell him goodnight back. 

And it's not because I'm mad. 

I'm not really mad. 

It's mostly an act. 

No, I didn't really want to stay the night here, but I'm not mad that's he's making me.

It's not that I don't want to stay here. 

I really fucking do.

It's just whenever I've tried to before, panic punches me in the stomach as soon as I try and relax. 

"You can't promise that," I mutter suddenly as I roll out of his grip enough to flip over so that my back is to him. 

He's content to wrap his arms around me just as easily in this position as the other one I was in, and he kisses my shoulder as he slides in all around me. 

"Promise what?" he asks. "That you'll have a good night? From the way you were screamin' my name out earlier I'd say your night is already a pretty damn good one," he teases. 

I roll my eyes for just my own benefit. It mildly makes me feel better but it's too dark for him to see. But I make sure that I shake my head in wide enough sweeps so he can feel what I'm doing so maybe he'll stop taking things so lightly. 

I finish my dramatic head shake and turn so my face just a bit towards him. 

"No," I say. "You can't...you can't promise it's safe. You just...that's not something you can do. Ok?" And that earns me no reply but silence. 

I hadn't expected a real reply to that statement anyway. So I turn my head back against the pillow and settle so I'm comfortable enough to try and maybe get some sleep before the panic catches me. 

"G'night Bones," I mutter. 

"No, hang on," he says. And at least he's stopped trying make this a joke as his tone flips to serious. "What'd ya mean I can't promise you're safe?" he asks. 

"It's late. Just get some sleep huh?" I ask but now he's shaking his head hard enough for me to feel and I sigh. 

"No. Come on Jim what do you mean by that?" He asks. 

I sigh even louder this time, and I shift myself over so that I'm on my back now with his arm resting heavily against my rib cage and I rub my eye and then scrub my hand down my face. 

"I mean just that. You can't promise I'm safe here. I'm not safe anywhere. I've always gotta be careful not to...I don't know," I say as I jerk my hands in front of my face in a weak effort to pull the words from my mind. "Safe...just...isn't a thing that...IS, alright?" Which is sort of coherent but not quite the words I was hoping my gesturing hands would pull out. They are true words though so I let it be at that and drop my hands back against the mattress. 

"Oh my god...Jim," Bones says, with a tone like I've broken his fucking heart. And I close my eyes and swallow. 

"Well it's true isn't it?" I challenge him and I feel his fingers as they push my hair back away from my forehead so that he can kiss me there instead. 

He shifts his hand above me on my pillow so that his fingers can still pet their way against my hair as we continue this conversation and I hear him sigh slowly as he rests his cheek against his arm. 

"Well yes and no," he says. 

"You wanna expound on that more or..." I ask. 

"Well yes. Fundamentally I guess you're right. I can't promise that you'll always be one hundred percent safe for the rest of your existence on this planet...or even other planets for that matter I guess." 

"Thank you," I grumble. 

"But that doesn't mean you're not still safe." 

"That makes no god damned sense and you know it," I say. 

"No, but it does. See," he takes a deep breath and curls himself back around me and I feel his lips just barely out of reach of brushing against my ear. "Maybe it depends on what you think is safe. See to me? Safe is knowing you're not, I don't know, gonna get punched in the face or hurt like that I guess. But it's mostly that you're safe to be you. 100%. You can't be too much, too loud, too crazy, too angry, too whatever when you're safe, 'too much' isn't a thing. It means you can relax without walls." 

God that sounds nice. 

 

"So I can promise you moments of that kind of complete and utter safety. I can promise that with every fiber of my being. Really, I...I can. Like right now. You're safe. I mean my god I'm never gonna physically hurt you. I'm not gonna go anywhere. I'm not gonna leave. I'm not gonna judge. I can promise you're safe with whatever you feel. Whatever you tell me. Whatever you do. Or don't do. Or say. You're safe. I won't use any of that to hurt you." I frown but I don't interrupt. 

I don't really mind where this is going. 

"Now I'm an idiot so I'm not saying I won't ever hurt you, the odds are pretty good that I will, but it will never, EVER be intentional and it sure as hell won't be for long. Jim. Look. I know why you're saying that. And you're right. You've never been safe so it doesn't seem real, but... I love you. And I absolutely CAN promise that I'll make our world just as safe as it possibly can be for every damn second of the rest of my life." He kisses my jaw just right in front of my ear and wraps me up tightly in a hug as he rests his head on my shoulder. 

And I have no earthly idea what to say to that kind of declaration. 

My heart is gently pounding in my chest as he holds me and I don't have a definition for whatever this feeling is that I'm having. 

But I can't let him fall asleep. 

Not like this. 

I have to say something. 

So I tell him exactly that. 

"Bones I...I don't have any idea what to say to that, but I can't just sit here and say nothing." 

He doesn't answer me right away, but I can feel his eyelashes as they brush against my neck each time he decides to blink so I know he hasn't fallen asleep on me yet. 

 

"Sure you can," he finally says and I can hear from his tone that he's grinning. "You're safe here remember? You can do whatever the hell you want even if that's to lie there and not say a god damned thing." I close my mouth that was frozen open with confusion and I frown as I let what he's saying sink in. 

Safe. 

I'm safe here. 

I'm safe here to do whatever the hell I want. 

I'm safe here just to fucking...exist. 

Just to be me. 

My breathing is coming in and out of my lungs more quickly as I really and truly hear what he's said. 

But I'm safe here. 

And I think I could maybe understand how that feels someday if I let it. 

 

I relax. 

And panic never comes. 

And just like that, staying here, is just exactly where I want to be.


End file.
